Issue XXVIII
Concerning plant people, something that looks like pizza but isn't pizza, & a bathtub full of weirdos...
From the Desk of William Pauley III
Hey! How’s it going? How are you? Hope this finds you well.
Me? I’ve had an okay week, I suppose. Some days have been exhausting, but it’s mostly been fun. Last Friday, Heather and I headed back out to Cynthiana for Week 3 of Halloween festivities. This time we took a couple friends along with us.
To preface, back when we did Witches Day Out (remember the event the Christian’s crashed? Yup, that one) we met a couple guys dressed head-to-toe in costumes that easily cost several hundred dollars to assemble. Super detailed, scary stuff. We complimented their wardrobe, and they handed us a flyer (complete with sticky, red-tinged, corn syrup fingerprints) for a haunted attraction they do every year for “a good cause.” We took the flyer without really giving it a look and told them we’d consider it.
Here’s the flyer:
A few days later, our friends asked for ideas of what we might do to celebrate Friday the 13th, and we threw this event into our list of possibilities. After considering our options, we all decided on this one because it seemed fun—and was for a good cause after all.
When you looked at the flyer, you may have noticed what that “good cause” was—all proceeds went to a local bowling team. Hey, hey… I’m not saying a bowling team isn’t a good cause… I don’t mind helping out local sportsmen, not at all, it’s just not the charitable cause I was expecting it to be, that’s all. The ‘bring a canned good and get $1 off’ line may have been the thing that threw me off. We all had a good laugh at dinner, when Heather thought to look up what charity the proceeds went to. We immediately had visions of the bowling team sitting around in their Halloween costumes, after hours, eating dinner with their fingers, straight out of the canned goods donated earlier that day.
Disclaimer: The canned goods went to the local food pantry. Still, we had a good laugh.
The haunted house wasn’t the easiest to find. Not only is it in the middle of nowhere… and surrounded by heaps of scrap metal (not part of the attraction)… but it’s also located INSIDE the Galactic Alley (bowling team HQ). The reason this was confusing was because something was clearly going on behind the alley, as there was a barrage of flickering lights, chainsaw noises, and screaming sounds beaming and vibrating in the air back there.
People with good instincts would walk away from any one of those things, but the four of us instead walked straight into it, effectively ruining the surprises waiting for us at the end of the attraction (well, except for Heather, haha… but more on that in a moment).
Once we finally found it (it wasn’t easy to find even after we were inside the building), we made our donations, then were instructed to sit in the waiting room until all the creeps were ready for us. Here’s what the waiting room looked like:
Now, I’m not going to lie, we were kind of expecting a shit show—some low budget attraction that was going to be good for a couple laughs and not much else… but man, we were wrong! This attraction was legit. The actors were incredible, some of the best I’ve seen in any haunted house ever. The rooms we walked into were actually scary, except for the ones that were hilarious, and there were even a few that were intentionally (and effectively) disorienting.
Great job, guys & ghouls! We had a blast. Truly.
Oh, and at the very end (like many haunted house attractions across the nation), we were chased by chainsaws… many, MANY chainsaws. They came at us from all directions, which surprisingly actually scared Heather. Anyone who knows her knows she’s a tough cookie, not easily rattled. These chainsaws though—I’ve never seen her more terrified! I will never forget the look on her face. Gold.
So, in conclusion, Cynthiana knows horror. That’s for damn sure. We’ve had a blast these last few weeks. Unfortunately, we won’t be headed out there again before Halloween, as we’ll be doing more kid/family-oriented stuff locally in the coming weeks. All fun stuff, but a different kind of fun. Not as many chainsaws.
Until next time! Hope you enjoy this week’s newsletter!
SNL Skit: Almost Pizza
Last Week / This Week
BOOK EVENT: Next Saturday (Oct 28th), we’ll be slingin’ DOOM over at Villainous Pub in Lexington, KY from 6pm to 10pm. Come out and have a beer or three! This is one of our favorite events to do. Hope to see you there!
ALL SUBSCRIBERS: You have 2 more days to listen to “Bad Blood” before it goes behind the paywall! Listen to it here. On this week’s episode of Storytime!, Connor Brannigan will be reading another story from my new book, Twelve Residents Dreaming. Be sure to check out “The Plant People” when it drops on Monday!
PAID SUBSCRIBERS: During last week’s edition of Choose Your Own Mindfuck: A Night in Eighth Block Tower you all chose to consult a spiritual guru for guidance. Oh, but then that guru stripped you naked and stuffed you into a bathtub full of weirdos for a so-called ‘cold water meditation session!’ How are you going to get out of this one, huh? Don’t forget to vote for where we go next. See you on Tuesday!
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Oddities Theater
Invasion of the Body Snatchers is a 1956 American science-fiction horror film produced by Walter Wanger, directed by Don Siegel, and starring Kevin McCarthy and Dana Wynter. (Wikipedia)
Synopsis: A small-town doctor learns that the population of his community is being replaced by emotionless alien duplicates. (IMDB)
William Pauley III's 115th Dream
Last night, I dreamed I was living inside a computer glitch.
My setting—I recognized immediately—was
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