Issue XXVI
Concerning witches, exorcists, and a 7-hour long reminder that we're all going to burn in hell someday...
From the Desk of William Pauley III
Hello, sinners!
Last Saturday, Heather and I headed out to Cynthiana, Kentucky for their Witches Day Out Festival, of which we were kindly invited to attend. Neither of us had ever been to the town before, surprisingly, as it’s an interesting place and only a half an hour from our home, so we both were pretty excited to explore the area a bit. We arrived around 9:30 in the morning and quickly set up our little mobile shop.
Everything seemed to be going well—especially considering how ill-prepared we were only hours before!—that is, until we realized that we had NO COFFEE. Thankfully someone thought to invite a coffee truck to the event as well. And it was great coffee too! Travelin’ Tom’s, you saved the day.
Well, as much as the day could be saved, anyway. 😅
Now, before I go any further, I have to preface by saying that everything about this event was professional and executed with expert precision. Honestly, I’m not sure I’ve ever been to an event that was as well organized as Witches Day Out. The people running it have it all figured out, from setup to parking, even down to public restrooms (how many outdoor events have access to real brick and mortar restrooms, huh? Impressed!), not to mention the family who runs it are as kind as can be. They even apologized for the dark shadow that was eventually cast over the event, even though it was no fault of their own and they had absolutely no control over its presence.
We don’t blame them.
So what was this dark shadow that spoiled the fun for literally everyone in attendance? Well, it was worse than goblins… worse than witches, monsters, and mummies combined!
It was Christians. *shudders in horror*
About an hour into the event, a man with a mustache that was inspired by a Pringles can (and a voice that sounds exactly like Morty Smith’s from the TV show Rick and Morty) unfolded a tiny step stool, hopped up onto it, then proceeded to shout about hell and damnation for the next seven hours.
Yes, seven fucking hours. No breaks.
At first, I thought there’s no way he can keep up this shouting all day long. He’ll run out of things to say! His voice will eventually give out! He’ll get tired of arguing with the many people who are constantly asking him to leave! But—holy shit—no, he never ran out of things to say, his voice never gave out, and arguing with him only seemed to give him more to rant about.
Look, I’m not by any means religious, but I still respect people’s right to believe in whatever it is they want to believe. I’m not here to make fun of Christianity as a religion. That is not my intent at all. I just can’t fucking stand when someone—anyone—tries to force their beliefs onto me or others. I have no idea how many people he converted to his religion that day (my guess is zero), but I can tell you that he absolutely turned the majority of everyone in attendance that day away from it. Seems counterproductive.
At some point the cops showed up and I was relieved, thinking it was only a matter of minutes before the preacher would have to shut down, pack up, and head back to whatever small space he’d just crawled out of—but because it’s a fucking country town in the middle of Kentucky, of course the cops were on the preacher’s side. They even got upset with the attendees who were complaining about the disturbance! It was absurd. Like some old, outdated, painfully unfunny cartoon.
Regardless, Heather and I still had a great time! We met a ton of interesting people—even a few real practicing witches who told us incredible stories about the area, so incredible that we immediately bought tickets for the town’s world famous Ghost Walk, a guided lantern tour of Cynthiana’s most haunted spaces. We’re going tonight, actually! I’ll report back next week with a write up our our adventure and some of the things we learn. Looking forward to it!
Until then, enjoy this week’s newsletter!
— William
THE STRANGE THING ABOUT THE JOHNSONS
dir. Ari Aster
Last Week / This Week
“Choose-Your-Own-Mindfuck: A Night in the Eighth Block Tower” went paid this week! A huge thank you goes out to everyone who’s played along so far. It’s been a blast! I hope you’ll consider becoming a monthly paid subscriber ($5 a month) so you can continue to play along with us. By the way, there are a ton of perks to becoming a paid subscriber! Click here to check out everything you’ll have access to. No commitments! Cancel any time! A single coffee from Starbucks costs more than this!
BOOK EVENTS: I’ve added a handful of new events where we’ll be slingin’ DOOM in the near future. To check those out, click here.
Twelve Residents Dreaming was officially released on October 3rd, 2023! To celebrate, I thought I’d share its first review.
Thank you, Kristen & Brian Rooney! Check out this review and many more by clicking here.
It’s a new month, which means there are new featured items in the DOOM THREADS shop!
These items will only be available until the end of the month, so get ‘em before Halloween!
ALL SUBSCRIBERS: On this week’s episode of Storytime!, Connor Brannigan will be reading another story from my new book, Twelve Residents Dreaming. Be sure to check out “Trapdoor” when it drops on Monday.
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Oddities Theater
The Exorcist III is a 1990 American psychological horror film written for the screen and directed by William Peter Blatty, based on his 1983 novel Legion. It is the third installment in The Exorcist film series. The film stars George C. Scott, Ed Flanders, Jason Miller, Scott Wilson, Nicol Williamson, and Brad Dourif. (Wikipedia)
Synopsis: A police lieutenant uncovers more than he bargained for as his investigation of a series of murders, which have all the hallmarks of the deceased Gemini serial killer, leads him to question the patients of a psychiatric ward. (IMDB)
The October Country, Pt. 4
For the next entry in my little Ray Bradbury special, I'd like to explore one of his most popular stories: The Crowd. If you've read Bradbury before, there's a good chance you've come across this story, if not in books, then perhaps depicted on television sometime, somewhere. Some of these early science fiction/horror stories are so unbelievably simple, yet still manage to be highly effective, and The Crowd is no exception.
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