Issue VI
From the Desk of William Pauley III
Greetings from the Show-Me State! I’m all the way out here in Kansas City, Missouri!
Ugh.
Sorry if I don’t seem like my usual self in this issue. I’m worn the hell out. If you remember last week, I mentioned arriving out to Kansas City at the request of a couple lake dwellers I met at Montrose Beach—and let me tell you, it’s been quite the trip.
The drive was only supposed to take around seven hours or so, max, but we were on the road for a total of three days. Three days!
Sorry for yelling.
I’m still a little upset about it, although to be completely honest, the trip’s many delays were all my doing. You see, I’m not someone who gets upset easily. I can take quite a lot before losing my top, but those two pushed me to my limit time and time again. The delays were necessary to preserve my own mental health.
It all started with the french fries.
Not even two minutes on the road and Paul croaked from the backseat, “Hungry! Want fries!” I was a little annoyed he didn’t say something before we got on the road, but I let it roll right off my shoulder. Now he had his fries and all was well.
Seemingly.
About four minutes or so passed, then Dave reached over and took one of Paul’s french fries. All hell broke loose. The two of them started fighting—actually fist fighting—there in the backseat. I swerved across two lanes of traffic in order to take the first available exit. Once I finally got to a stoplight, I tried breaking up the fight, but they paid me no mind at all. I had to honk the horn to get their attention.
They agreed to stop fighting, as long as I bought them more french fries. So, I went through yet another drive thru, this time buying an entire sack full of greasy potato sticks, thinking they’d last the entire trip. I was hoping that would be the end of that.
But once we were on the road again, the smell of hot grease lingered in the air around me, and it wasn’t long before I too was hungry. To avoid making another stop, I settled on a handful of french fries, and much to my annoyance, they would become the entirety of my diet for the next few days.
I tried making small talk with them to pass the time, but they only wanted to talk about lake stuff—fish, ducks, mosquitoes, stuff like that. It didn’t go far. That’s when I decided to fill the awkward silence with music. Who doesn’t like music, right?
Lake dwellers, apparently. They scoffed at everything I played, no matter the genre, and I tried everything! They did, however, seem to enjoy one song in particular, one from my 90s playlist. They requested to hear it repeatedly throughout the trip.
Here’s a throwback for you:
After hearing the song for the twentieth or thirtieth time (I lost count), I decided to call it a night. I couldn’t stand to be in the van with them another second. I was starting to realize why they spent so much time in lakes. They may not have had a choice.
I got us rooms at some crummy motel called Heater Bob’s Honeymoon Shack. They had a BOGO deal going on, so thankfully we didn’t have to share a room. My main reason for stopping there was due to the intriguing message calling to me from its marquee: CUM 2 HEATER BOBS - WHERE THE HOT TUBS R ALWAYS HO (I assumed that last ‘T’ had fallen off). I couldn’t think of a time in my life when I needed a hot tub any more than I did at that very moment.
Thirty minutes later, I left my room, with every intention of spending the rest of the evening soaking my stiff muscles into jelly inside the hot tub, but as soon as I stepped out of my room, I knew the universe had something else in store for me.
Standing in the hot tub was none other than Dave and Paul, dressed head-to-toe in lake dwelling gear. I suppose they too had plans to dwell inside the hot tub all evening.
Still, I tried to make the most of it by getting in and pretending they weren’t there, but they were impossible to ignore. They kept doing weird lake stuff that would throw me right out of my groove. Once they started the duck calling, I went to bed.
The next morning, I woke up feeling determined to have a better day. I went to Paul and Dave’s room to wake them, but surprisingly they weren’t there. Something in my gut told me to check the hot tub, and sure enough, there they were, still standing in the bubbling water, fast asleep.
I offered to get them coffee, but they only wanted french fries. I told them we still had half a bag in the car. That’s when they began shouting, “Hot fries! We want Hot fries!”
They kept shouting until they got what they wanted. I ended up eating the cold bag of fries for breakfast, and lunch and dinner, for that matter. I can’t stand throwing away good food. It’s just the way I was raised.
The moment the rubber hit the road, those damn lake dwellers chanted to hear their song. “Da-ba-dee-da-ba-die! Da-ba-dee-da-ba-die!” I refused to play it. In the 90s, I had to spend literally years of my life listening to that song as it repeated ad nauseam on the radio. I wasn’t about to relive it.
That’s around the time they began spitting. More of that lake dweller bullshit.
I eventually gave in and played the song, but I told them I’d only be playing it once. That was the deal. And they agreed to the deal. So they said. But as soon as they song ended, they demanded I play it again. I stood my ground. There was no way in hell they’d get me to play it again.
Have you ever been around a lake dweller when they were upset? Like, the really emotionally devastated kind of upset? I hadn’t either. Do you know what they do? They moan. Like, full belly moan. Deep and guttural. They sounded like a pair of dying seals.
I wrecked the van. I didn’t mean to. I was just caught off guard by all the moaning business. It turned out that the lake dwellers were actually great mechanics! Who would’ve known? It took them about a day, but they fixed the van, oddly without a single tool in hand. It was kind of amazing to watch, really.
The next day, I dropped them off at Lake Jacomo, and that was that. I didn’t ask what was in Lake Jacomo that wasn’t in Lake Michigan, because I didn’t think they’d have an answer for me—not one I’d understand anyway.
Now that they’re gone, I kind of miss them. In a way, I guess you could say “I’m blue…”
Just kidding. I’m glad to be rid of them. Hope to never see them again. Good riddance.
And fuck that song.
Hope you enjoy this week’s issue!
Dax Riggs
Halftone Zine Fest
Last Saturday, I had the great pleasure of being a guest at the Halftone Zine Fest (formerly the Kentucky Fried Zine Fest)! This is, by far, my favorite lit-related event of the year. I always look forward to swapping stories and art with some of the coolest, most interesting folks in the area—and this year, we even had writers/artists come from as far as Chicago and Philadelphia. The fest has grown so much over the years. I’m thankful they always invite me back!
Michelle Aiello & Cheyenne Hohman were the organizers this year and they knocked it out of the park. Truly, a fantastic job! And they even put together this pamphlet that introduces all 56 (56!) vendors that I’m still making my way through, a week after the event. I’ve been creepin’ on everyone’s websites, checking out their artwork, and following, liking, and subscribing to everyone on the list that I can actually find.
I haven’t been able to find some of them, though. Those people are my favorites, by default, because they’re the true underground artists. They aren’t looking to make connections or a name for themselves, they just want to push their art out into the world. Fucking rad.
Here are some of the writers/artists from the fest that I really dig (click on their name to check out their work): Nico Lund, Cass Lopez, Claire Krueger, Paul Cooke, Erik Jasek, Floating Head, General Speech, Angie Willcutt, Back Porch Comics, BLACKBIT Independent + Halftone Hospital, Grotesk Press, Hyena Hell, J.T. Dockery, Printed Zine Project, Tyler Friend, Rachel Bard, Realicide, Rick V, Robert Beatty, Same Coin Press, Solace County, Solarpunk Futures, Kristin Ousley, Starpointe Studio, Winged Elf Girl, and XOMIK BÜK.
Oh, and this guy is an absolute legend here in Lexington, “Uncle” Bill Widener, a comic book/zine artist/DJ who has been entertaining our great city for over 40 years! I’ve followed him on social media for years and always enjoy his posts. He has great taste in music too. All around cool and interesting guy. Here’s a video I dug up that will help you get to know him the way all of us here in Lexington do:
As for me, I haven’t made a new zine in years. For this event, I had every intention of creating a new one, but preparing Holus Bolus for publication proved to be a much bigger task than I was initially anticipating. All’s well though! I hit my deadline, thankfully. Holus Bolus will be released on June 1st!
Anyway, here’s one of my older zines. It’s goofy, but a personal favorite. I’m good at dad jokes, but terrible at drawing. Forgive the mess.
I have a bunch of these laying around. Maybe I’ll share more in a future post—if there’s any interest, that is. I might even make a few new ones. I’m feeling inspired. You never know.
“City of Crime” by Dan Aykroyd & Tom Hanks
This exists. It’s real. We’re living in the best timeline.
Oddities Theater
Gemini (also known as Sōseiji; 双生児, lit. "Twins") is a 1999 horror film by Shinya Tsukamoto, loosely based on an Edogawa Ranpo story, which pursues his theme of the brutally physical and animalistic side of human beings rearing its ugly head underneath a civilized veneer, present in previous films like Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1989) and Tokyo Fist (1995), in what is a new territory for Tsukamoto—a story set in the late Meiji era (1868–1912) with no stop-motion photography and no industrial setting. (Wikipedia)
Synopsis: A successful doctor, Yukio's picture perfect life is gradually wrecked, and taken over by his avenging twin brother, who bumps off his family members one by one and reclaims his lover who is now Yukio's wife. (IMDB)
Last Week / This Week
I’m still a week behind on my writing goals because of all the traveling I’ve been doing lately. I’m not giving up on catching up though! It’ll just take severe concentration and a few 4,000 word days. Nothing I haven’t been able to do before. Now, where’s my coffee?
Anyway, I finally got started on “The Plant People” this week. I’m currently about a third of the way through the first draft. Hopefully I’ll squeeze in some writing time this weekend. It’s supposed to rain, so there’s a good chance all my other plans will end up cancelled. We’ll see what happens.
So, if I manage to finish “The Plant People” this weekend, then sometime next week I’ll be starting a new story called “The Burden of Lunar Ticking.” I’m excited about this one, because I’m not sure just what the hell it is yet. Usually, I go in writing a story with way more ideas than I end up using. This time around though, I’ve got next to nothing. I’m not too concerned about it though. Sometimes those end up being the best ones. I think of them as little adventures. I’m excited to see where it takes me.
VIP members, you can take this journey right along with me! Tune in every day to read my progress!
As I mentioned before, Holus Bolus edits are now complete and everything’s been corrected. All that’s left to do is to wait a few days, give it one final look over, then the easy stuff: formatting for digital, print, and hiring a narrator for the audiobook. Shouldn’t take up too much more of my time. I’m excited to get this story into your heads!
Storytime! — These posts have quickly become my most popular on Substack. Thanks to everyone who’s been tuning in every week! The first two editions featured campy little comedy/horror tales, but this week we’re tossing the camp and the comedy right out the window and going FULL HORROR, baby.
So, find a nice cozy spot to melt into, grab your earbuds, and listen as Connor Brannigan reads you a story about the cosmic horror, vapor witch we all know as Old Joe Booth. This coming Monday, tune in to “Autumn,” available to all subscribers.
Don’t let it hurt you.
Holus Bolus — This Tuesday, monthly paid subscribers will be able to read the next few chapters of the mind-bending murder mystery, Holus Bolus! If you want to catch up before the big reveal, subscribe now!
For those reading along: Who’s the killer? How do you think they pulled it off? Post your predictions in the comments of Tuesday’s post! The ending will be posted the following week. Anyone who guesses correctly will be sent a signed paperback copy of the novel!
Skull Candy
Things I’m Currently Stuffing Into My Head
WTF with Marc Maron - Episode 1419 with guest Laurie Anderson / “City of Crime” (Aykroyd and Hanks) / Rick and Morty - Season Six / The Lyrics by Paul McCartney