Issue IV
Issue IV
Concerning an Eraserhead baby meatloaf, beaver dams of death, and seven hills of sausage...
From the Desk of William Pauley III
Greetings from the city of seven hills — Cincinnati, Ohio!
Did you know that Cincinnati was once known as Porkopolis? It’s true. Back in the 1800s, Cincinnati was the country’s biggest source of pork. Farmers would haul truckloads of pigs into the city daily, tossing them into the many slicers and grinders that once made up the city’s entire skyline.
Though at one point, things got out of hand.
As they tossed their little piggies into the bonestripper, farmers soon became addicted to the rush of adrenaline that would pulse through their veins, and some of them got so bad off they were stealing swine from other farmers, just to get their fix. It got so bad, in fact, that pigs eventually went on the endangered list, and by then the farmers were so far into their addiction that they still couldn’t stop. Eventually, the only way to get that sweet, euphoric mutilation rush they were all chasing was to take hold of their collars and toss themselves into the grinder. Farmers damn near went extinct!
Before they could get the wheels back on the track, every last one of the city’s seven hills were covered entirely with little links of sausage—some pig, some man. Then Jerry Springer (yes, that Jerry Springer) was elected mayor, and he put an end to all of that. Said it just wasn’t classy, and we all know he was an expert in class.
And that’s how Jerry Springer saved American farming…and bacon.
Wild stuff.
What were we talking about again?
Oh, right.
I’m sure you’re wondering what I’m doing all the way out here in Ohio, and I assure you I have good reason to be here! I read in the news that there’s a beaver around here somewhere, digging up graves and using the bones he finds to build a mega beaver dam death palace. Now, normally I just let nature do its thing without interrupting, but someone recently dug up the grave of my old tabby cat, Colin, and now his skull is missing.
Beaver soup, anyone?
I kid.
In all seriousness, I just want Colin’s skull back, and I know that rat bastard beaver took it. I’ll be here as long as it takes to find that death palace, walking up and down every river in the tristate area until I find it.
I can’t go back home until it’s been returned to its grave. I don’t want Colin haunting me, waking me up at all hours of the night, and knocking over my glass of milk every morning. I can’t live that life again. I just can’t.
Anyway, so… I’ll keep you updated on my progress. Until then, enjoy this week’s newsletter!
The Bizarro Cookbook
The only thing better than a good movie is a good movie with a good meal. The other day, I was watching one of my favorite films for the 124,455,673th time and a flash of genius ran straight through me. I SHOULD MAKE A DISH FOR ALL MY FAVORITE WEIRDO FILMS AND PUBLISH THE RECIPES IN A COLLECTION CALLED THE BIZARRO COOKBOOK.
So, now I’m on a mission from God.
ERASERHEAD BABY MEATLOAF
Ingredients
1 tablespoon butter
¼ cup minced onion
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 ½ teaspoons salt
1 ½ teaspoons freshly ground black pepper
2 pounds extra-lean ground beef
3 slices bread, toasted and crumbled
7 buttery round crackers, crushed
1 egg, lightly beaten
3 ½ tablespoons sour cream
1 ½ tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1 (15 ounce) can tomato sauce, divided
¼ cup milk, or as needed (Optional)
3 tablespoons ketchup
Directions
Turn on David Lynch’s Eraserhead.
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Gather all ingredients.
Melt butter in a skillet over medium heat, and cook onion and garlic until onion is soft and translucent, about 5 minutes. Remove from heat, and season with salt and pepper.
Combine onion and garlic mixture, beef, crumbled bread, crushed crackers, egg, sour cream, Worcestershire sauce, and 1/2 can tomato sauce in a large bowl. Mix until well combined. Gradually stir in milk, 1 teaspoon at a time, until mixture is moist, but not soggy.
Form into the shape of the Eraserhead baby (olives make great eyeballs), then transfer the mixture to a loaf pan.
Bake uncovered in the preheated oven for 40 minutes. Increase oven temperature to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Continue baking 15 minutes, to an internal temperature of 160 degrees F (70 degrees C).
Mix the remaining tomato sauce and ketchup in a small bowl. Pour over the top of the meatloaf, and continue baking for 10 minutes.
To make it look even more like the baby from the film, use mashed potatoes to wrap it up snugly.
Serve hot and enjoy!
WARNING: Slicing the baby up and serving it to your family and friends may conjure some depressing feelings. If you find it doesn’t bother you in the slightest, you may want to do some deep soul searching and find out what’s going on with that.
Here’s what it should look like:
Bon Appetit!
Oddities Theater
Last Week / This Week
Storytime! — For the first three issues of the Doom Fiction Newsletter, free subscribers were only given access to the newsletter itself. I wanted to give readers more incentive to subscribe, so I’ve added a new section that will be available to all subscription tiers starting Monday, May 8th. It’s called Storytime.
Imagine sitting around a campfire, deep in the woods somewhere, and voice actor Connor Brannigan is sitting on a log directly opposite of you, reading from one of my many short story collections. Now imagine him really getting into it, pushing himself to a standing position so that he’s now standing on the log and shouting these stories at the heavens above! Bats and birds scatter from the treetops, lighting crashes, and out in the far, far distance avalanches burst, clearing every last mountaintop! That is Storytime, goddamn it!
Every Monday. Be here.
This week, Connor will be reading “Killing Teddy.” You’re not ready for this.Holus Bolus — This Tuesday, monthly paid subscribers will be able to read the next part of the mind-bending murder mystery, Holus Bolus! If you want to catch up before the big reveal, subscribe today!
The Plant People — All next week, I’ll be working on a new story for Twelve Residents Dreaming, entitled “The Plant People.” VIP subscribers will be able to read this story as it’s being written! It’s been a rush, writing like this these last few weeks. Receiving feedback and having conversations with you all during the writing process has been such a head trip. I’m really enjoying it. Keeps me on my toes. Become a part of the conversation today!
Skull Candy
Things I’m Currently Stuffing Into My Head
Radical Romantics by Fever Ray / Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 3 (Gunn) / Poker Face - Season One (Rian Johnson) / Ring by Koji Suzuki